Surrender

Here's Liam in his church outfit this Sunday.

Surrender...it's a good thing. There is much freedom in surrender, even if it is difficult.

Today was Liam's first day at school and my first day back to work. It was a good day, albeit a hard day. What a blessing the Highlands United Methodist Church Child Development Center is. And what a blessing my precious friends at work are. Allison and Amy in particular made my return so special and meaningful. Will, Bess, my family, too, were so supportive and loving today.

As I am returning to work, the word that keeps coming up, almost as a breath prayer, is Surrender. Not surrender as in giving up or throwing in the towel exasperated, but surrender as letting go of control.

I surrender...Facts are Facts. I have to work and it's time to go back. Liam is on an irregular sleep schedule. He has to go to day care. We are going to be sleep deprived.

I surrender...It's going to be tough for a few weeks. The little guy is only 8 weeks old, so we have to expect that it's going to take him awhile to figure out his way in this little world. It's not very reasonable to expect him to adapt to our schedule right away. And it's a big adjustment for me and Will, too. Likewise, it's not reasonable for us to expect that it's not going to affect us significantly.

I surrender...We can't do this alone and we need help. We have our faith and we have so much support from family and friends and we are blessed with ample resources. We have to let go and accept help. And what a blessing, an amazing blessing, when we do.

I surrender...I have a lot of different emotions about finding our way as a family. I feel joy like I have never felt. I feel helplessness like I have never felt. I feel love as I never have. I feel tired, I feel proud, I feel honored, I feel overwhelmed, I feel sad, I feel...I feel...you name it, I feel.

I have prayed more around Liam's creation and birth and life than I have ever prayed in my life. I know that I have not made it through the last 8 weeks (or 3 years for that matter) on my own strength, but from God and the love of others. My prayers are of thanksgiving, awe, peace, forgiveness, direction, strength, gratefulness, courage, health, calm, and surrender. Oh, yes, and for sleep.

For me, there has been great freedom in surrender. It is not easy, but to surrender frees me to focus on those things that I am grateful for and actually can control. It frees me for a more meaningful and less stressful moment. It lets me off the hook and gives me permission to be human, to acknowledge my limitations, and to find my way uniquely and authentically.

I surrender.