The Unexamined Life

"The Unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates

This quote has long been one of the defining quotes of who I have said I am. I still believe it. But, I rarely live it anymore. I used to describe myself as someone who over-thinks things, who gets lost in my head, who reflects on meaning and purpose. I have a hard time recognizing that person anymore.

I was recently in bed playing on my iPad, as I do every night. Will was stunned and curious why I was on the NPR website as opposed to my usual People Magazine. I told him it was because I felt stupid.

My IQ, whatever that is, has plummeted. I don't know anything anymore. My mind is not emmersed in, or even exposed to, new ideas. Maybe it is, but I don't catch on to them anymore.

Current events? How many poops Julia had today (just 1, and it was completely contained...no blowout).

Breaking news? Liam and John Marshall were running from Alex and Sedgie who were monsters and yelling "roar!"

Latest read? My World, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut, and Calico Cow, and People (4 issues behind)

Art projects? Cupcake-themed decorations for Julia's bday-this has been fun, I must admit.

So, no brain food and, friends, I'm feeling hungry. I am now bingeing, though, because of so much brain deprivation. I have started re-reading 4 books about courage, being, and existentialism and last night Will asked me if I was trying to feel smart. I guess I am! There is a theme and my wheels are spinning, so that does feel good. I am such an idea person and I thrive in a place of sorting and figuring things out.

Coherent and intelligent conversations or sentence are hard to come by. I have lost my recall ability. Simple words, places, names and phrases are just not accessible anymore.

So, I am on a mission to feed my brain. I need to intentionally and purposefully think and articulate.

I'm not going to waste my time figuring out how I got here. I know how, and I am unapologetic to myself about it. My brain can only handle so much and with a new baby last year and a new job and sleep deprivation and every moment filled with fulfilling someone's basic needs, new, deep, creative and interesting thought has just not been possible. Just ask Abraham Maslow.

In some sense I am actually grateful to be aware of my brain deprivation because it means I must be moving up the hierarchy of needs out of just fulfilling basic needs and moving to higher order needs. I do feel like I'm coming out of some clouds and regaining some insight and vision, particularly feeling desires and interests that were once familiar to me, like art, playing and writing music, leadership and, yes, thinking. It's all renegotiated now, though, with the role of mom.

I should probably spend my time reflecting on that.